How bullseed is obtained. The most unpleasant ingredients in cosmetics. Preparing the animal for the procedure

zoological story








- I sell bull semen, - Fedor says, and everyone around falls silent - is he joking, or what? They never noticed him ... No, his face is serious - what jokes!
Fedor sits in the center of the table. In the right hand is a fork with salted mushrooms. Black breast. On the left is a glass of vodka. The glass has been fogged up.
For a meeting!
- Yes, - he overturns himself and grimaces - that's disgusting. - Such is the business I have with a partner - we extract bullseed and sell it. Good deal, profitable.
I haven't seen Fyodor for fifteen years. As they graduated from school in the eighty-second, they cut it off. And in the courtyard of the ninety-seventh already.
Healthy, vigorous, like a pickled cucumber from a jar, crisp, with a pink blush on the cheeks, as if playing snowballs in the cold. Holds head slightly downward. He's under two meters tall, so he stoops. A young bull, in general.
As the school scattered us all after the tenth grade, we never really got together. At first, however, they tried to come to the line on the first of September, to last call. Called up ... Will you come? I will come. And Vovka will come. And Sergei with Vera. Didn't know they were together now? I will be! Well, yes, to the beginning ... In the first year, ten people came, this was from a class where they studied under forty, the second time - already five, then three ... And everything fell apart ... Sorry, I can’t, the child fell ill ... I moved, I’m uncomfortable now, far away ... And I’m on a business trip, another time ... It won’t be, you say, Seryoga, then what’s the point of me coming ... That's all. How soccer ball by Lego constructor. Scattered everyone in the corners. Then I saw someone at the institute: hello, how are you? yes, he started a family, the children will soon ... Igor went to conquer Moscow, Borya - Israel. And Fedor ... Fedor completely disappeared. Like there was a man - and evaporated. As he thundered into the army after school, one from the entire graduation, they didn’t hear anything more about him. It was only rumored that after the service he went back to his village to work on collective farms. He lives closed, like a gopher in a hole, without news. Yes, and what kind of news can come from the collective farm, there are only two news - crop failure and drought.
Fedor came to our school from the village. Fedulovka village of some district ... or something like that. There, probably, he would have remained to receive a certificate, only dad turned everything upside down in his fate. There is one well-known plant that produces combines, in our city either a branch was opened, or a design bureau. They needed specialists - those who understand combines. And Father Fyodor, as it turned out, is the most that neither is in the combines of the dock. So he was invited to help the engineers. On his collective farm, Ivan Ilyich hung on the honor roll for nearly twenty years. Only the photo was changed sometimes - at first every year, then once every two years, so that the image corresponded to the original. And then they stopped changing - and so everyone knows Ilyich. So he would have hung there until retirement, but then this plant ... In general, they removed the father from that board and moved him to the city. Here's an apartment for you, here's a place to work. Family, of course, follows. So Fedor became a city dweller.
On the fifteenth anniversary of graduation, Fedor arrived in a Mercedes. Then for the first time almost everyone arrived. Who is in a taxi, who is on a tram, whom the spouse gave a ride. And Fedor is on the Merc. SUV, all white, already cuts the eye to squint. Not a wreck, of which a lot of people bought themselves in the early nineties, no - a new one. Looks like the latest model costs serious money.
Everyone was surprised, they decided to joke around, to laugh at such an acquisition. Fyodor, our collective farmer, look what… What are you doing, Fyodor, anyway?.. Do you grow hemp in the garden instead of potatoes?.. Did you rent your car, Fedya, for an hour?..
In the "Mercedes", by the way, the driver was also sitting - in glasses, in gloves, with a straight parting. Strict in appearance, like a school teacher with a foolish student. When they saw this, they stopped laughing. And Svetka bit her lip at all. Fedor was not indifferent to her from the first day. And she…
- Maybe you can wait for me until armies come? he said goodbye to her tog Yes. - We'll play a wedding ... family, children. I still have a house in the village, a garden, a farm ...
Svetka, they said, to the side of the nose; lipstick on the lips, mascara on the eyelashes, heels-handkerchiefs in the head - a lady of the city, and here a bumpkin in worn-out shoes. Turn from the gate, as they say. He would have come to get married in felt boots, the village ... And now Svetka is sitting, there is no face on her. The husband is a loser, a drunkard; they say hit. And here is Fedor in a Mercedes. Phew, fool!
- No, not hemp, - Fedor is embarrassed. - Bullseed, here. Car? I bought my car recently, I have to travel a lot - around the region, to collective farms, and the roads are there, - waving his hand, - you yourself know what roads are there ... And with a driver - this is to have a drink with all of you normally for a meeting ... How many years have not saw each other ... And if then I give a lift, carry someone, then I will give a lift ...
Here everyone opened their mouths - oh yes, the village!
Fedor has a light summer suit in a cage, a tie, white shoes, and socks. Fashionable guy - for those times. Though not a guy already, a man over thirty. And when I came to school, in the ninth grade, the earth was under the nails, the haircut was under the pot, it was slightly uneven on the forehead - my mother was in a hurry, grabbed too much. Jacket knitted from gray wool. And patches on the sleeves - where the elbows stick out. Lost, apparently. The collective farmer is, Svetka is right. He also screwed a forelock on a hot nail from under his cap and a carnation into it.
- This is Fedya, meet a newcomer, he will study in our class, - the teacher said, - he and his parents came to us from the village.
- Fedya, Fedya, a novice, an undercut bull, - I rhymed such a rhyme quietly, but everyone heard it, of course. The class jumped.
The teacher looked at me reproachfully.
- Sasha!
Come on, not from evil - so, instead of greeting ...
So it became attached to him later - bull and bull. It really does look like it, he knows. After that, he stopped being offended, and then ... The pink apples on the cheeks instantly ripened to redness, they were about to fall in the autumn harvest, substitute the hem.
They put him in the last row, at the next desk. Where else to plant such a tall tree, it will block the whole board. Fyodor sat down noisily, threw his briefcase on the floor, glared in my direction and gave me a turnip. No, I didn’t give it right away, of course ... later, after school. He's got a good shot. They don't know how to fight like that in the villages.
So we became friends. And why should we share - not Svetka. She's not my type. And what he gave in a turnip is on business, I myself called him the first. However, he did not remain without a black eye, he shone for a week.
Fedor studied so-so. But stable. Three, three, three again... There will be a hole. It happened, and wiped up to a deuce. Right there, everything is simple, I told him, here is the integral, here is the function. And he just threw up his hands:
- It's good for you, city people ... You get up at home in the morning - breakfast is on the table, your mother washed, stroked, cleaned everything. School in the yard or cross the road. In the evening - cinema, disco. Raspberry, not life. And to me ... I have been home alone since the age of six. Dad has to go to work in the morning - at six already mow, until it's hot. Mother also milks in the morning, before dawn. The school is five kilometers to the district center - everything is on foot, on foot. One hour there, the same time back. In the rain, in the snow ... He came from school, wrapped potatoes with bacon - and went into the yard to work. Clean up after the pigs, feed the chickens there ... Where can I find it all the time? Education is to the detriment. At first, my sister helped, then she got married, flew to another city ... That's why I lagged behind in my studies - I once had to mess around with integrals in the village.
So then Fedor studied and suffered. Okay, the teachers forgave him everything, even dragged him out. Yes, and the father of the Hero of Socialist Labor was given, he became a deputy. You can’t expel the son of such a person from school ... And then it got better somehow - the village grip, you see, had an effect. Yes, and I gave to write off ...
Now a garny guy is standing next to him. Above the table rises ... like Chomolungma. A glass in your hand - like a thimble, you won't notice. A toast to Fedor. All shut up.
- We are the only ones in the region who sell bullseed abroad, - Fedor says. - We have it certified in accordance with international requirements. Seed, in the sense... So... What am I... forgot about... Ah... for the beginning of the beginning, therefore! For him, for the seed, the foundation of our Russian land! There is power in the seed! Here.
He knocked over a glass and groaned ... Pelevin, you see, had read a lot. If at all I heard such a surname in my Fedulovka. And he never learned how to speak. The girls jumped into their fists, but what about the guys ... Well, then it went on - a glass after a glass, a glass after a glass ... Long live the seed ... And Fedor too ... long live. And only Svetka sits in the corner, silent. I bit my whole lip, and to the point of blood ... And what did you think about before, you fool.
I don't like these school gatherings that ten years later. Then twenty ... fifty ... You come - and you see: this one has grown old, this one too, that one has shortness of breath, excess weight. Girls have wrinkles under their eyes, guys have gray hair, a stomach. You seemed to love Alka yesterday, you couldn’t breathe, you got up early and ran to school. And on the fence, near which she should pass in ten minutes, in large letters, in chalk, in a hurry - unevenly, but it doesn’t matter - he wrote: “Alla + Sasha \u003d love.” And looked around, no one would see. Wrote - and around the corner, wait to see how it goes. And here she is ... but not alone, with her friends. She stopped for a second, looked, read, made her eyes slit. She smiled and moved on. And you are here by chance: oh, hello, hello ... To school? Let's go, we're on our way ... Do you want me to carry a briefcase? ..
And now ... Here she is, sitting ... She spread out in breadth, she pinned her hair in a hurry, there were circles under her eyes, it was not possible to cover it with foundation. Two children, husband left, the whole house on her. You look and think - where is the one to whom he wrote notes at school, gone where ?! Like she is, but not the same ...
But that may just be what I'm experiencing. And the rest - they don't care. Everyone is sitting, completely tipsy: do you remember this, remember that? ..
- Fedya, let's speak English from here without saying goodbye ... Let your driver go, let him go home. Let's wander down the street - as then, in the tenth, after graduation ...

* * *
- I called you once. - We are walking with Fedor through the city that is starting to fall asleep. - I wanted to invite you to visit me, to my village, to my farm. I'm a collective farmer. Do you remember how you put me on then?
I wave my hand: who will remember the old ...
- I'm not offended, - Fedor reassures. - I after all as the collective farmer was, and remained. Only the name has changed ... how is it ... a farmer or an entrepreneur. The real collective farmers died out long ago - some drank themselves, some moved to the city to earn money. I live in the village, I have a house there with a garden, chickens in the yard ... Gobies here now. And even the dirt under the nails is the same, you can never pull it out again. Only the suit is hanging in the closet now. Even two. One is summer, the second is winter ... So, I called about six months ago. I wanted to invite you. Only then your secretary flew me. Busy, they say, I'll pass, leave your coordinates.
Natasha, of course ... For some reason I imagine how Fedor tried to call me. He dials the telephone number of the reception - found in the directory. Busy, busy again, again... Finally lucky. At the other end of the wire, Natasha picks up the phone. Her voice is cold, but polite: hello, they are listening to you ... I am a classmate, the man explains, we have not seen each other for fifteen years. Management is busy right now, there's a meeting going on, they won't be able to talk to you. (Why is leadership always in plural?) Tell him that I invite you to come to my village. Why, Natasha asks, please explain why, I'll report back then. There is silence on the other end of the line for a while. Hello, hello, she already wants to hang up, but he still answers: heh, how should I put it, so that you understand me correctly ... I would like to demonstrate how we get bull sped ... oops, sorry, bullseed ... And again silence. Something, Natasha asks, and in her voice, like in a B-52 cocktail, sparks are mixed with the cold, all that remains is to strike a match. She probably heard - what is being mined? .. The voice in the receiver embarrassedly repeats - bullseed ... this ... which ... well ... the very one from which calves are. Your mother, Natasha screams, are you all completely fucked up there - why then to the village, why not on an excursion to a brothel ?!. But Natasha screams to herself, outwardly she is still polite. She appreciates her work, she is well paid for it. I will pass everything on to management, she informs Fedor. Leave your coordinates.
- I left, - Fedor shrugs.
It's been half a year already... Damn it!

* * *
We are walking through the park. Each has a bottle of beer in his hand. And where did it come from, because they seemed to come out empty ...
Fedor can talk about bulls and their seed for hours.
- I'm a country boy through and through, - Fedor is a little embarrassed. - Well, you remember ... At least exhibit the achievements of the national economy. If it weren’t for Dad, I wouldn’t have poked my head into the city at all. As soon as he graduated from school, he immediately joined the army, repaying his debt to his homeland. This is urban - just to mow down, but we are accustomed, for us, rural, service is the norm. He came from the army, looked around - there was no work in the village. Everything died. I thought, thought ... and entered the mechanical engineering polytechnic - in the army, I was more and more engaged in the repair of various machines. I just finished, and then perestroika arrived in time, the cooperatives were the first, the shuttles. You have to survive, feed your family, and by that time I was already married, I had a son. He started like everyone else - he drove, sold everything in a row, from cigarettes to furniture. I even saved up some money… I kept thinking where to invest. And then I met a madman - that's how it seemed to me at that time. He told all sorts of stories about bull seed - they say, there are such special breeding bulls, Herefords and Angus, but not those that run around our villages, those undersized outbreds. Tribal specially bred; they are... like thoroughbred dogs... or cats... or not, stallions - they cost ten times more than our bulls. That madman brought me literature about them. These bulls, I'll tell you, weigh at least a ton. Healthy: look - and complete numbness of all four limbs occurs. The offspring from them is completely different, larger and more enduring, and the meat has a different taste; well, and the quality ... And if these heifers are born from bulls, then their milk yield is twice as much as usual. In general, these bulls improve the breed - this is the main result. And in our village they are needed, the demand for them is huge, and not only in our village - even foreigners are ready to pay for them. So… These bulls, manufacturers, are easy to buy. They are available for sale in America, and in Canada ... and even closer, in Europe, you can already find them. Just what's next? You bring him to the farm, put him in a stall - and then what? .. How will he produce offspring? No, of course everything is possible. naturally to do, to bring heifers to a bull-calf one after another - let him work out the money. Imagine a picture: a bull-calf wakes up in the morning, looking at the yard, and there ... Here you are, please, from such and such a village from Baba Manya Pestrushka. Here is from Zinka Burenka. These twenty pieces of the same and nameless, with numbers on the sides, will be collective farm. But this grandfather Mihai drove. And - the line at the barn. But everyone brings new ones ... Who is the last one? .. They asked not to borrow! Or - girls, wait a bit, the horned comrade has an afternoon rest. They don't accept today... And if he gets completely lazy?! Can this be? .. Yes, easily! It's not a fact that he will cover every one brought on the same day - they, these bulls, are terribly fastidious at times, give them the winner of a beauty contest in the Pskov province. I had a dog as a child - a shepherd, a male. We took him for a ride. So he refused a couple of times - he didn’t like something. It can be the same with a bull. And the main thing is that in a natural way a bull cannot cover more than fifty cows a year, such is his physiology, you understand. I read this in books. That is, in terms of days, one, so to speak, mating per week, I apologize for the jargon. It will not be enough - given the exorbitant costs of transporting it from Canada. Unprofitable, in our opinion, business turns out. So all sorts of smart people came up with cunning modern technologies how to take a seed from a bull, save it and bring it to the corresponding cow safe and sound. As you can see, there are three problems here. The simplest is storage. They still came up with it before us. The seed in liquid nitrogen is kept at a temperature of minus one hundred and ninety-six degrees. It lies to itself, as in suspended animation, and waits for it to be allowed to become active. You can store this seed for at least a hundred years - the main thing is that the temperature regime is correct, humidity and the rest. And if anyone needs it - please, artificial insemination of cattle in the conditions of a single village. This has been working for a long time too. Science is whole. And you don’t have to wait until the bull with the heifer gets better and they deign to each other ... well, you understand. And you don’t need to drag a bull on a rope around the region, and you don’t need to bring cows to him either. No violence in general. So grandfather Mihai and his Burenka can be calm. Everything, one might say, remotely, simply - here is the heifer, here is the frozen seed. Receive, sign. Your cow is our seed. At least order by deychel, at least by mail, at least on the Internet, whoever has it. He paid the money, received the seed, and then it was a matter of technology. The technique is unknown to me, and it's none of my business. Other masters work there, veterinary doctors. For me, the main thing is to deliver the seed to the addressee.
- In general, this madman persuaded me, - continued Fyodor. - In fact, he turned out to be a genetic biologist, a doctor of sciences. In short, we created a company with him, a small business, he and I; I am in charge, however, because my money, honestly earned on the sale of cigarettes. They took land in the area for rent, built a corral for bulls, a laboratory, and hired staff. Well, they bought two bulls in Canada. Their price was exorbitant, as if we were not buying bulls, but Arabian horses or ... the same Mercedes. When I paid the last bills, I almost choked from greed - it all seemed to me that they had cheated me. In general, I decided that I had lost my money. It turned out not! My biologist spent a week in the lab doing some chemistry, calling one place, another... First the Germans came to us, then the Dutch. Then he traveled around the chairmen of all the nearest collective farms, drank moonshine with them. I even got an appointment with the vice-governor. In short, sales have improved. And that's it ... business went. At first, neither shaky nor swath, and then ... as soon as it got hot, just throw some coal. We now sell more of this seed than the village grandmother of sunflower seeds at the market. We have a waiting list of three months. The whole seed is painted, every gram. We are the only ones in the region in terms of seed production. And there are few of them in the country. We want to expand... I'm ordering two more bulls next year. Hereford breed.
- Stop! I chimed in. - You talked about storage, about fertilization too ... And about the main thing you are silent about - how to take a seed from a bull? It's not like milking a pot of milk, you can't pull on the nipples.
- Here, - Fedor raised both hands, - here we come to the point. He took the last sip, looked around, found a trash can nearby and carefully lowered the empty bottle into it. My container followed.
The surrealness of the moment was striking: the park, two drunks talking about bullseed. Luckily the street was deserted.
- The very technology of obtaining a seed from a donor - this is how we scientifically call a bull - is kept behind seven seals. Initially, of course, we wanted to purchase it along with the equipment, but we ran into difficulties. It turns out that in Canada and the United States there is some kind of doctrine about food security, because of which I was flatly denied the sale of insemination technology. This, they explained, is your own business, we only trade in bulls, and not state secrets. Here, join the WTO, then ... And when we join it, God alone knew that. To be honest, we wanted to refuse the contract - why do we need all this cryogenic equipment, when there is no main thing - understanding how to take the seed from a bull. But now it's my turn. He returned the favor to the professor, not all of him to powder the village brains. Not in vain did I finish the "mechanka". In general, I decided to study the problem of seed production thoroughly.
Fyodor took a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and lit it.
- You know, everything is easier with a person. I came to the laboratory, there are all sorts of pictures hanging on the walls, movies, appropriate music ... And what is the difference between a bull and a man? Imagine - nothing! I spent a week in the library, shoveled through all the specialized literature, studied everything related to bovine physiology. On the collective farm, he sat in a paddock for hours, talking to a bull. The milkmaids must have thought I was completely crazy. Can you imagine, the picture: a barn, a two-meter-high man on an inverted bucket, his legs bent - and he is studying the crotch of a bull. But not in vain did I waste my time then, not in vain. Now I myself have become a professor in this matter - I can give lectures. In general, I made the device, I made it myself - at first I assembled one, and then, when they tested everything on the bulls and corrected all sorts of shortcomings, these devices were released in a small batch, for internal, so to speak, use. Soon, by the way, the Canadians woke up, began to write letters saying that the doctrine had changed, they were ready to sell secrets for some million millions - and we no longer need it, we have our own. Today this device is our main pride, the cornerstone, without it the entire production of the foreign currency ruble is not worth it. When the professor and I tested everything and got the result, we even made triple protection on the farm, cooler than Sheremetyevo customs. But then, when they patented it, they relaxed - let them come, buy it, we don't feel sorry for it. But, frankly speaking, it is inconvenient to talk about our know-how here. It's like ... as if I had begun to explain the ballet "The Nutcracker" to you in words. Must see here! The effect will be completely different. So… welcome to me, to the farm, then all questions will disappear by themselves. Will you come?..

* * *
Fedor's farm consisted of two enclosures, an administrative building with an annex, and a large fenced pasture.
- Bulls live in enclosures, - Fedor explained, - each has its own - warm, bright. All conditions. Other people's lives will be worse. We wash bulls with soap every day, comb them with a brush. We put Tchaikovsky during feeding. Strauss goes well, waltzes, and Mozart. Things are worse with other composers. Once we decided to experiment, the professor of my research conducted for the monograph “Influence musical accompaniment to the process of ejaculation. After one such experiment, we almost lost the bulls. Everything was normal at first, something light, melodic was playing, and in the end Professor Schnittke put Alfreda on. Two gizmos in a row - "Life with an Idiot", an opera in two parts, and immediately after it - an oratorio for choir and symphony orchestra "Nagasaki", in six parts. He then piled feed on the bulls and went out of need. I wanted for five minutes, but then my stomach caught - all in work, eating dry food. Comes - even the second part of the oratorio has not ended, and both bulls are on the ground, foam at the mouth. We almost lost them then. Fucking science… I listened to Schnittke later,” Fyodor made a serious face. - Harsh for me. For an amateur composer. Definitely not for cattle. But everything melodic has an extremely positive effect on bulls. So… bulls live in our enclosures. In the administrative building, in fact, there is a laboratory, and in the annex - a training ground.
- What? I asked.
- Polygon, - repeated Fyodor. - That's what we call him. Test site. A place to collect seed material, so to speak. You will see now. Everything will immediately become clear.
Fedor led me to a clean room.
- Put on a hat, a bathrobe and shoe covers - everything is like in a hospital. Any microbe brought in from outside, or any other infection, can greatly ruin everything. Bulls - they have world numbering. Like purebred dogs. Each one has a certificate. Without a certificate, the bull immediately loses more than half of its value. He, like a Mercedes, has a warranty book: inspection, maintenance, insurance. If you get sick, you need to make an entry in the medical book. You can, of course, not do it ... but if someone finds out that the disease was, but it was not recorded, and in international federation will report - the bull can be written off. Yes, what a bull - a fine for the entire farm, or even revocation of a trading license. But even if he did everything according to the rules - and the bull recovered, and there is a record, then the disease can still greatly affect the business. So far we are the only ones in the region, we get away with a lot. But only for now… Then there will be competition. And the healthier the bull is, the higher the value of his seed. In short, it is better for the bull not to get sick.
We entered the administration building. Both are in hats and gowns, like surgeons before an operation. A few steps up the stairs, then up half the floor, then a little along the corridor - and here is the right door. Fyodor carefully opened it - and we found ourselves in a large hall with a glass partition in the center. Behind her were people, also in gowns, medical masks, thin rubber gloves. Each of them had huge glasses half a face.
- Laboratory. International rules, - Fedor explained, - it is impossible otherwise. From the agency that issues the certificates, they come to check it once a year.
The second half of the hall was a bit like a school gym. Plank floor, walls painted blue, windows without curtains. In the middle - a goat, as if we were in a school gym. Everyone at school jumped over this.
- We run up, - the athlete shouted to us, - a meter before the goat, we stretch our arms forward, rest against it and, keeping them straight, we fly over the goat! Do not be afraid, do not fall, I will insure you.
The athlete was over fifty, he insured only girls. The girls were in the ninth grade, they were fifteen. Athlete picked up right hand the lower back of each jumper and did not let her go until she landed on the other side of the goat. Some girls liked it. They smiled stupidly and after the jump ran off to the corner of the gym to whisper with their girlfriends. Six months later, the athlete was transferred to the caretaker. Nobody knew the reason, but he himself preferred not to expand on this topic. Some girl was sent to the vacant place, right after the institute, a master of sports in volleyball. She spoke for the region. They say that the girl had to quit a big sport because of her chest - on the block she constantly touched the net, after which the pitch passed to the opponent. That is how the chest did not allow our region to win the final at the national championship. Through the goat, however, the chest did not interfere with jumping. Now the boys looked at the new teacher.
- We scatter and push off harder - do not be afraid, I insure you! she shouted at them.
The boys ran happily. Some - twice. Can I do it again, they said, I didn’t succeed the first time. The girls were still whispering in the corner. Only their faces were tense ...
The goat looked rather shabby, in several places fragments of foam rubber stuck out of it. A blanket was thrown over the top; eaten by moths, battered, it hung from one side to the other, creating the illusion of a saddle. To the back of the goat - and what part of the goat is the back? - an ordinary washcloth made of bast was either tied, or sewn-glued.
- This is a tail, - Fedor explained, - a tactical trick, an imitation ...
- Why? I asked in surprise.
- Now you'll see, - Fyodor winked at me and waved to someone - enter, they say.
Only now I discovered that there is another door in the hall. High, at least two meters wide. All the attention was drawn to her.
A minute or two passed in complete silence. You could hear the air ringing. But now, behind the door, steps were heard, heavy and weighty, from which the floor began to tremble.
- Commander? - I tried to joke.
Fedor shook his head.
- Baby ... Meet.
The door swung open and the Kid entered. More precisely, he was brought in on ropes by four healthy men ... However, no, after all, it was he who brought them. The kid barely squeezed into the open door, tilting his head with massive horns.
- One hundred and eighty at the withers, - Fyodor whispered, - he's been here for a year, but I still can't get used to it.
The men were sweating, the veins in their arms were tense, the tight ropes were ready to break. The kid lifted his head and looked around at us. It seemed to me that Fedor became smaller in stature. It was somehow restless - the bullfighter has at least a cloak and a sword, and we have only dressing gowns.
The kid stared at the luminous laboratory behind the partition and began to wheeze.
"I don't know why he doesn't love her," Fyodor muttered softly. - The first time I entered there with a running start - a torsida nervously smokes on the sidelines. Scattered everything ... Since then, there is tempered glass, in three layers, you can’t break through a cannon. Well, I had to change two laboratory assistants. They immediately quit, they could not stand the nervous strain.
The kid rolled his eyes. The laboratory, me, Fedor, the walls... Not that! His gaze settled on the goat, or rather, on the battered and battered tail made of bast ... Five seconds, ten ... The Kid's nostrils flared, he tilted his head first to one side, then to the other. Finally, he took a step forward, dragging his four escorts with him.
- Well done, - Fyodor whispered and snapped his fingers to someone: - Let's go!
The door opened, and one of the lab assistants, who looked like an astronaut on the moon, jumped out, clutching a long stick that looked like a village grip. In the grip lay a glass cylinder half a meter long, from the end of which hung a plastic bag.
- Here it is, my know-how, - Fyodor's voice was heard, - the Americans offered me a million dollars for it, but I refused - Russians do not trade in state secrets!
The kid came closer and closer to the goat. Ten steps, seven, five ... Between the legs of the Kid began to grow, swaying from side to side, his manhood.
Fyodor snapped his fingers again - and the dexterous laboratory worker habitually threw the top hat over the process that had grown to gigantic proportions. A button clicked on the stick; the cylinder suddenly made a quiet noise.
The Kid's eyes widened, becoming softer, and for a moment it even seemed to me that a round, shiny tear rolled out of the bull's right eye.
- Well, - Fyodor hissed, - come on, dear, don't let me down! You see, serious guests have come to us today, to look at you, to rejoice ... Come on, dear, how can you - look what a young lady we brought you to marry!
The bull seemed to have heard Fyodor's words. He bowed his head low, opened his mouth wide, grunted so that the bulletproof glass in the laboratory began to chime, and threw himself at the unfortunate goat. The laboratory assistants behind the glass shuddered as usual and looked up from their test tubes for a second. The bull approached close to the bast buttocks, greatly inflating the nostrils, and stood on its hind legs. A second - and he fell on the goat from above.
- Look, how it covers! Fyodor whispered again. - I've seen it so many times, but it's like the first time ... This is a picture right, an artistic sacrament! I even regret sometimes that we deceive the bull every time. It's like ... giving a peasant a rubber woman - the result seems to be there, but there is no pleasure ... More precisely, maybe there is pleasure, only it cannot be compared with the real one. There is only one forgiveness for us - that the bull does not seem to understand that we are misleading him.
The powerful, muscular body of the bull moved in an erotic dance - one movement, the second ... Suddenly, a cramp seemed to pierce him, and the ropes weakened. The bull went limp, even, it seems, began to look not so huge. The device no longer made noise. The laboratory assistant cautiously stepped aside, almost on his toes. At the end of the cylinder dangled a full bag of cloudy liquid. The servants looked at Fyodor, the bull too ... It was all over. Such is the sacrament - affairs for half a minute.
- Take away, - Fyodor waved his hand, - tell me that today is free.
The bull nodded in understanding, staring down with a sort of sadness. Home, in the pen ... Today I worked - yes, Fedor? ..
Another employee in a dressing gown came out of the laboratory and, having disconnected the package from the cylinder, carried it back. Behind the glass began the fuss. The cylinder was handed over to Fedor.
- Look, - Fedor pushed me in the side. - I'm a mechanic by education, I designed it myself. Length - fifty centimeters. The cylinder is hollow inside, it has an outer diameter, twenty centimeters, and an inner one. The inner diameter can be adjusted - anything can happen, the sizes are different for everyone. Technologically, everything looks simple. Here is the battery, twelve volts, - showed Fedor. - Takes him a long time. In the cylinder between the inner and outer walls is poured plain water. The water is always in a warm state, heated by a battery - thirty-seven degrees ... thirty-eight. For some reason, it is this temperature range that the bull is most attractive to. I'm different temperatures exhibited. This one is the most correct. The bull does not react at all to a temperature of less than thirty, it also starts butting. Above forty is also not good ... it’s hot for him, or something - unless you can sort them out ... I’m thinking of writing a dissertation now. The name has already come up with: "The dependence of the reproductive function of the bull on temperature environment". This is a joke, of course, - Fedor laughed. - The cylinder is attached to a long stick, you saw ... like a grip, or something. The role of the grip is twofold. First, hold so that the cylinder does not come off; and secondly, he has a control panel on the handle. When the “on” mode is on, the water in the cylinder begins to boil and circulate. The bull in such a situation, so to speak, receives additional positive emotions. But the main thing is that when the cylinder is turned on, vibration is also added - and there are no options for further behavior for the bull. Well, when it's off, that's it, the end of the movie, your time is up, a knock on the door, bye-bye, baby, - Fedor spread his arms and puffed out his cheeks like a child. - The washcloth, by the way, is from my bathhouse, I washed it for three years, and the goat - that one from the village school, wrote it off, served its time, - he added sadly.
The farm was quiet. The day was drawing near end . Fumbled behind the glass laboratoryan you - they still had work to do today.
- It's a pity for the Kid, - I sighed, - he plows on you, earns money, and you ... don't encourage him in any way.
- Firstly, we not only work for our pockets, - Fyodor declared proudly, - we help our homeland, Russia! - He got up. - The more the Kid works, the stronger our herd, the higher the milk yield, the healthier the livestock. The more satisfying, it turns out, a citizen of our country feels himself. The bull must understand this! - Fedor sat down and continued more sadly: - We encouraged him ... more precisely, we tried to encourage him. Only failed. Stone on the soul since then. We decided to make a gift to the bull one day before Christmas. Bring a cow. Real. They took a huge risk. Suddenly, the bull will feel the difference ... it will begin to understand where the cylinder is on the grip and the goat with a bast, and where is the real heifer. It's like Monica Lewinsky after rubber woman . Collapse then, the end of the know-how ... or the breeding bull would have to be sent for meat. But they took the risk, because it's a pity for the animal, it was painful for it to work hard for a whole month. They brought a cow from a neighboring village ... they barely persuaded the mistress - she screamed for an hour that she wouldn’t give, they say, a nurse for experiments, she’s not a prostitute, and I’m not a pimp either. And where does she know such words from ... But she took the money, however ... So, they dragged her - a cow, of course, not the mistress - to the testing ground, well, they brought the bull after her. The heifer, of course, no one warned in advance what fate awaited her. Yes, and how can you explain ... The hostess, however, whispered something in her ear. I also tied some grass to my leg. Ivan-chai, it seems. Bewitched, maybe. And here comes the bull. He moved his nostrils - he immediately realized that today was a holiday in the village. Don't fool the beast. He rushed without any top hat to Babkin's cow, tried to cover her ... And then the embarrassment happened - the cow could not stand such love. Her legs buckled from weakness, and she collapsed to the floor. And the bull, accordingly, scuttled after her. The only difference is that she is below, and he, excuse me, is above. But this is a Canadian bull, not ours. It has twice the weight. Therefore, a chop immediately formed under it. You can not even carry the cook. When I was little, I saw how our bulls in the pasture cover cows. She stands, nibbles on the grass, and this little man with horns is attached to her from behind ... So I'll tell you that some cows were not even distracted from the grass in the process ... As if they don't care - a bull is behind there or a horsefly. Moreover… the process is short. One-two - and you're done. Only now the Canadian bull turned out to be not a horsefly at all. In general, he crushed the cow - not to death, of course, but before fractures. The cow remained crippled for life, at least put on a cast. And before all this business, the old mistress demanded her presence at the training ground - I want, they say, to see, I will hold a candle, like she is my daughter. And as she saw what had happened, she fainted along the wall and slid down at once. Then, as soon as I came to my senses, I rushed at the bull with a stick - Herod, screaming, ruined my only nurse! And the bull ran away from her, we have never seen such cowardice in him. After that incident, the grandmother almost went crazy - she called the police, tried to accuse us and the bull of raping a cow. Write down, he says, in the protocol: Fedor, together with the Kid, tried to rape my Chernushka. The policeman already regretted that he had come. So she, imagine, brought the case to court. But the court took our side. You, says the grandmother, took the money? Did you take... Did you bring the cow on a rope yourself? Brought ... Then you are either an accomplice, you will go under the same article with them ... or take the application, and we will issue it as an accident at work. She took it, of course, scared. But it got on our nerves. She had to buy a new heifer instead. And we took the old one for ourselves ... for sausage. We are still eating. It may be a sin, of course, but the good does not disappear. The old woman even wanted to bury her in the cemetery.
Fedor crossed himself.
- Our experiment then ended badly - the bull refused to go to the training ground for a week. We have already decided that everything, a complex has formed in him - you know, like men have in their youth. This is according to Freud - it didn’t work out with a woman the first time, then you will always worry that it won’t work out again. They also wanted to let the Kid go after the sausage, but, you see, he walked away like ...
Fyodor wiped his sweaty forehead.
- The second time they decided not to risk it, - he grinned, - why ruin the heifers for how much in vain ... So the whole premium to the bull is crispy carrots. A day - half a bucket. Yes, he doesn’t seem to be offended ... Well, - Fedor seemed to apologize, - in fact, that’s all ... You saw the most interesting thing. Then the matter of technology and laboratory assistants. From the seed of this bull, they make such tablets, the size of a matchbox. It's already for sale. Of those wishing to breed breeding stock, even a queue lined up. Both in Russia and abroad ... With the help of these tablets, cows are fertilized. We get ten thousand doses a year from the Kid alone. Imagine, the Kid can have up to ten thousand children a year. How! And if Zorek and Burenok took ours in turn, then, at best, fifty. Ten thousand minus fifty - how much will it be? .. So I say - a lot ... We live on this difference ... And you ask - where does the Mercedes come from ...

“Come and see me with Malyshka,” Fedor saw me off, “now you know the way, the phone too ... If foreign guests come and want to watch our show, welcome, as they say.
We walked past the hangar. The Kid looked at us sadly from the window. “Where are they, my ten thousand children, where have they gone? I read the question in his eyes. - Whom for slaughter, who for milking ... At least one would be shown ... ”Or maybe he doesn’t think at all. Suddenly the bulls don't know how to think at all.
- I've collected some goodies for you, - Fyodor handed me the package. - Sausage ... remember, I said about the cow that the Kid crippled? Here, therefore, smoked sausage, steamed milk, cottage cheese, home-made cheese - we have our own small production here, for ourselves exclusively ... And this ... - Fyodor blushed with embarrassment, - this is my know-how, a cylinder, that very . But we ... we experienced it on ourselves before trying it on a bull ... I personally tried it - to whom you entrust such a responsible matter ... Everyone liked it very much, - he blushed even more. - You do not look that the unsightly device is a trouble-free thing! I invited the best turner in the country to turn it. According to my drawings ... Maybe, of course, the Japanese would have done everything better, the design would have been more modern. So it's not the same thing ... It's a matter of the soul, in relation. You are not married, I see, so far ... That will be something to console yourself with ... In general, this thing will come in handy for you, - continued Fedor, - you'll see. You city people have a stressful job, you get very tired, there is not enough time for anything ... Put it in the closet - you need it, then you will remember me with a kind word. There's an instruction inside, in a box... Then you'll figure out how to adjust the inner diameter to your size, it's not too difficult...
So I went home with the package. Sausage, cheese, milk... It was a delicious sausage - he mentioned Chernushka, because she sacrificed herself to science. But he didn't take the cylinder.
- You need it better, - I slapped Fyodor on the shoulder, - and replenishment will be soon, you will bring new Herefords ... Spare cylinders are always needed. Suddenly something breaks - do not stop the process. Loans, again, to give. And somehow I'm on my own. Or ... or get married - and what, also an option! ..